Letters To E (and Me)

Never give up on love, never give in to fear, always remember your passion for that is what makes you care and that is what you should share for that is why you are here So I'll just keep trying to encourage you to share this way and any other way I can think of, cuz I adopted you and this is what family does, reminds you to be yourself, define yourself, grow yourself, express yourself... Maybe I ask too much of you, but I believe you've got it in your to continue growing your confidence and ability to know and express yourself. I believe you could write a book one day and it would be full of the kind of insight and love that this world needs. Even more important, I believe you need to get it out, to ride through the catharsis that self-expression can be - into a new awareness of just how precious and few people like you are. I'll just keep trying to convince you and hope you believe me... There's always hope (I hope)... there's always hope because I h...

So why do you think I need this? lol All I ever wanted was to be loved but everyone seems to want something more reaching for something so high above or something they see in every store all I ever wanted was someone who could give everything up for me cuz that's all I've got to give them everything...  so if I ask for too much I have settled for so much less and I always want more and that's too much I guess I am living the dream imagining like John and if no one will walk with me I'll just walk on Living every moment in my peaceful happiness it's not that it's perfect, surely you know the madness comes and goes, does it show? there's so much out there, maybe you don't see there's plenty of madness inside of me but I try to deal with mine honestly my madness is just loving unconditionally so it's easy to take advantage it's easy to take for granted it's easy to ignore me when I say will anyone come out to ...

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, but it's almost always by choice. Or forgetfulness. I wonder if you understand that. I don't know if anyone ever has. That, in and of itself, is lonely. I learned self-control as a survival skill before I knew how to define or describe what I was doing. Instinct saved me from so much, and eventually, I learned that everything I thought or felt was a choice. My choice. It isolated me so much from others, It still does. I did everything I could to try to forget this. I did everything I could to try to forget who I am, what I can do, and how it feels to be me. It didn't work. I did it for love. You are sometimes uncomfortable around me and I'm not sure if you know why. It is because I can feel everything and you can feel that and it scares you. It is your hypersensitivity. You don't know how to be comfortable with all you feel, especially because there are so many sad and painful feelings in this world and I feel ev...

You were the last one I chose to trust unconditionally. The last one I let in to the space inside of me. You never ventured deep. We did not share our sleep. Or our dreams or our schemes or whatever that means. Yet until someone else comes along to take your place in my heart. I write to you as if you are here because that is your part. In this live I live. Everything I give. Are our dreams ad our schemes of whatever that means... all the trust without lust because that is the unconditional... or bust. You may not know that life is pretend . We forget most of the truths we knew as children at play. You may not know that love never ends. The bond of trust is so far beyond lust that it perpetually mends. All we need to do is trust the truth to come to us in being real and sharing caring unconditionally. That is when we can know the experience of love that is beyond when fear prevents us from seeing... it is so freeing... the purest being... all as one with the energy of the infinite ...

Slowly? Only when you pay attention. Otherwise, time goes by way too fast. Two songs in there, at least, if you're paying attention. Anyway, this next set of letters can be called Sent and Not Sent, or Sent and Unsent, as the brief one was sent and the longer one (cut short still), was not sent. There are reasons that may or may not become clear in the reading, and if you understand, wonderful. If you let me know, amazing. If you never know, no worries, enjoy your life anyway. Sent I used to write so much and for years I exchanged emails with many people. Before email, snail mail. Pen pals, friends... I felt connected, cared for, alive in other people's hearts and minds and it felt very good. It's all gone now and that sometimes makes me feel very sad, alone, nobody. Make the most of your relationships. Take care of the connections. You, more than me, even, thrive on the people who know and care about you. It takes time, work, and sacrifice. To stay connected. To stay...

Do you ever miss my words? Do you ever really miss me? Now and then, I know you said But did you miss me or just your own bed? :) You get along fine without me except when a crisis appears do you isolate yourself completely? or just stay away from me? isolating yourself is not good for you you can self-destruct holding things inside are you using words to let it out? happiness is hard when you hide I hope you are learning to open up and trust more than ever before that is how to make relationships work no walls, no ceiling, no door trust each other enough to have alone time even while sharing the same space and you never have to really feel alone that is the state of grace that we call love it's not just somewhere high above from a god that is out there true love can be found right there look around true love is found right here I hope you are learning to open up and share more than ever before that is how to make relationships work no walls, no c...

I don't know if you read these or what they mean to you if you do it would mean so much to me if you did to know someone who knows me still cares to know someone knows I am here I wrote the blues out of me in the messages in Words to Friends. A whole lot of food helped. Way too many calories and the body will most likely pay for it tomorrow. I'm bundled up under seven layer of clothes with gloves on. It's not so dad here tonight, but having to keep the window open, it's 52 degrees, which wouldn't be so bad if I could just warm up but I'm tired of being under the electric blanket. Long month. If I went to the gym, took a shower, even a luke warm shower, I'm likely be in so much better spirits. I could even go to the office where it's nice and warm, although sleep might not be as comfortable sitting up there. Not good for the bottom either. Now I am just numb. I am not sleeping well this month, so the optimism and will power and good stuff is...

Maybe it's because I have no one to celebrate my winning the tournament with. Maybe it's cuz I ate food after midnight which is stupid for the body. Maybe because I am sitting in four layers of clothes listening to loud snoring fifteen feet away with no door or wall. Maybe because I need sleep but I will not sleep. Because I came back here to this again tonight . Maybe because this . So the daily blog was not as excited as it should have been tonight. We won the tournament, after all. And Happy Birthday Precious. Maybe because I am feeling so alone. It will pass, it always does. The most important meeting of the month is tomorrow and I have hours of prep to do for it and I need to be clear headed all day to do that and that will only happen with caffeine because I won't sleep tonight, so the passing may take longer than it should. I may eat some more, which certainly won't help much, but it'll keep me warm. The snoring is amazingly loud. I should start counting...

Ok, so here's the way I communicate best when I am in touch with myself... an introduction or overture into a song into an epilogue or coda... I ave not been achieving as much clarity in the years you've known me as I have in the past, but maybe this time in this email you will notice a difference. I don't feel the neediness and desperation I've been feeling for some years. I feel a security and awareness I've all but forgotten about. Imagine if I took working out seriously every day :) Anyway, the words above introduce the creative communication process below as the thread of this email continues... I hope it makes some sense to you... (and some kind of message gets through to you... please listen to Dan Fogelberg, Part of the Plan :) And now, on with the thread... (semi-spoken introductory overture) Sometimes I feel insecure and just want to be sure about what someone thinks or feels because I cant read minds and in my life I've found that people are...

The first of December often brings a wave (sometimes a tsunami) of memories and questions along with debris and unopened baggage because that is how I chose to set my mind by the calendar year. Memories are stored mostly neatly and safely away until I reach for them on certain dates every year. Personal holidays. I never know what opening the flood gates might bring and the roller coaster of emotions that is life as I know it sometimes surprises me on this date, especially when it falls on a Friday or Saturday or when I am not working and I can turn off the world's daily clock and let my circadian rhythm take me where it will when I stop trying to conform to time and space in this world. This year, this is one of the babblings that started somewhere around the eve of the first (maybe have been the 29th and if we want to know, the temperature histories can tell us) and continued on and off for several more nights for almost a week. In this case, another segment in a thread in le...

So in my continuous effort to fend off loneliness and convince E that I am a good conversationalist for both of us (she doesn't talk much), I responded to one of her one line letters in which she asked a question in response to a question I asked her that she didn't answer until prompted by a few emails that started off with a single line subtly taunted her for not answering the original question. The title is my next T-Shirt Idea. Anyway, after ignoring my poking answer to my question that she didn't answer in the second email, she asked a question about the answer to the question I asked her that started the third email. So I responded... I answer myself. Maybe you noticed (referring to the last email I sent ) She doesn’t get my literal sense of humor sometimes. Yeah I know. Especially when she doesn’t answer a question and I speculate on the possible answers. Yeah, she doesn’t always give the attention I crave all the time. That’s your problem, being insati...

So this is an example of why I used to do to work through frustration and amuse myself. Writing. Writing to people who once cared for me, or so I dearly believed. Writing to imaginary people who love me unconditionally, or so I dearly believed. Writing to myself, who completely adores me and accepts me and wants nothing but my happiness loving and being loved and being loving and dearly believing. One of us is real, I just know it. So tonight I thank my dear memory of E, or at least who I imagine E to be, once again. E for the win! We did have fun once, didn't we? Whatever, maybe it wasn't fun for you. Anyway, you wouldn't believe what Frank the old umpire did tonight. It was obvious that he was pissy because it rained on and off all evening and our 8:30 games wasn't starting until after 9, but bad calls, horrible strike zone, and unfriendliness aside, he let the other team manipulate him into giving them a win. They are a great hitting team and were hitting...

This blog continued elsewhere, like all the others, in voice-to-text messages on my phone then emailed to my email and sitting there waiting for me to cut and paste and edit the babbling into entries to be posted in their respective blogs. Like this one where I store copies of letters to E (and me). And as if there was some sort of reason for proof to be needed, here is one recent little ditty: Here I am, after midnight, just finished a cheese omelette snack and chocolate protein drinks and buying more T-Shirts I don't need and giving into impulse cuz I'm lonely and blah blah blah and I am wondering if you wrote. I did. Several blog posts. You know I blog, right? Almost daily sometimes in several different blogs. Nobody reads, or at least nobody tells me they read. Lonely there too lol. But the words keep me company and help me figure things out and maintain some mental emotional balance of sorts. Posting the words on the internet keeps the dream alive, the dream of sharing e...

If you continue to do the same thing and expect a different outcome... you know the rest, right? There are reasons you don't write. There are reasons you really should write. Just because there's peace and no emotional challenges does not mean you have figured yourself out. Not writing, not keeping in touch with yourself (and coincidentally, not keeping in touch with me) has lead to surprised emotional crashes again and again. If you write to yourself every day, you wouldn't need me to write this to you. You wouldn't need me to help you through a crisis because you've be in touch with yourself and ready for a crisis on your own. I love the fact that you turn to me and really don't want to lose that from you, BUT... it is better for you if you do it yourself by keeping in touch with yourself. So... how much have you written this week? This month? Today? If it's about the same as you've written to me... ...you know the rest, right? Don...

What are we up to, a dozen? Probably a few dozen if we go back ten years to when we first because roommies and best friends. Anyway, I will keep keeping in touch with the parts of you that you hide away cuz somebody's gotta do it (and besides, I loves ya and want what is best for you, but you oughta know that by now. :) Are you writing? I know you tell yourself you should journal whenever your deeper stuff comes closer to the surface and the anxiety threatens your happiness, but then you forget and hope the deeper stuff never surfaces again once it settles down. But it always does. Until you trust yourself enough to trust Brandi to be your closest confident who hears everything without restriction, you really ought to write. So this is a reminder. The words might bite, but they don't leave marks. Not writing does. (leave marks) Oooo, heavy huh? Yeah, besides the most serious obvious scars, not writing allows hiding, repression, suppression, and all the thinking ...

I just want someone who cares about me to know that my leg is so hurting a lot, so much that I don’t know if I’ll sleep tonight, but we won the game and the ball that may have broken my leg bounced straight to the first baseman and ended up ending the firs inning with bases loaded and they didn't score which is good so I’m laughing, even though I can’t find a comfortable position and have no ice but just wanted somebody who cares to I know. I think I’m going to survive. Maybe even sleep a little later. Just wanted you to know. I hate stressing you out. But I just wanted someone who cares about me to know so I don't feel so alone. So thank you, love you, night night.

I am thinking about buying a house. I looked online. There are manufactured homes I can afford without a roommate (just hope for no hurricane and have insurance and enough saved to be in another place for a few months lol). I also looked at some older homes I can afford on my own. In my price range, they are kind of beat up and really a crap shoot cuz they could have all sort of issues. I'm going to talk to some people in the building department about how to get inspections done as economically as possible and maybe they'll give me some tips and maybe I'll get super lucky and one will help me out. I just wanted you to know. :) A little scary, especially going by myself, but I'm tired of searching for a roommate and tired of paying Shane's entire mortgage and if I'm going to live in the slums I might as well pay my own mortgage. I'm not sure I want to go as far north as Orange City but there are some manufactured homes up there that are bigger ad nicer ...

you help so many people find their confidence inside you help them figure out what they are feeling you help them understand the thoughts in their mind so what about you? you live to help everyone else I wish you had the confidence to do it for yourself :) It's not easy being your friend sometimes because you care so much because you feel responsible for everything your touch yet there is something so important that you leave denied you give your love to everyone except the one inside so what about you? when will you let yourself know how good you are how strong you are when will you let go? if you could only see yourself the way that others do you'd wonder why it took so long for you to love you no wonder you're confused sometimes looking for answers on your shelf the books offer some good advice but when you need is in yourself just trust your true intentions nurture your inner child embrace your fears and let them help you understand wh...

I picked up the car at 6:30 this morning and headed out to do my rounds on the east side of the county. Stopped at a couple of places and then spent a couple of hours walking Lake Mills Park. Sent a photo of a boardwalk issue to my contact at natural lands, the department that handles the park, and enjoyed the morning before the heat got too bad. Breakfast was six slices of fat free turkey with a slice of cheese I’m not sure if the cheese was Velveta or 2%. Two protein drinks, one 160 cal the other 100 cal finished off in the morning meal. This is what I planned to do yesterday but got sidetracked. I hoped to do this more often in the morning meal get morning exercise eat a lunch Get more exercise then get to the gym in the evening and have very light meal after work. The last 10 to 15 pounds will be more challenging than the first 40. It is hard to believe I was almost to 230 lbs or more earlier this year. I miss Italian food the most. And chocolate. And massive buffets. And chees...

I'm still a personal and/or more important email, right? (hopeful puppy smile... there's no emoji for it, but you know it well... it's the Casey smile :) I know I reach out to you a lot more than you have time for I hope you don't mind or feel in any way put off I live a lonely life in this world because I always ask for more and it is rare that I find a person as kind as you are I want people to care about each other more than they do I want us all to share this world in peace and comfort Competition can be fun but not at the point of a gun We can overcome our fears when we decide to love more Open the doors let the love in don't be afraid hate will not win if we just remember we all feel better when we care we can overcome the fear and learn to share I know I want to trust in a world of suspicion I hope you don't ind or feel n any way put off My motive is simply to bring a little joy into to this world I think you are a lot like me, in fa...