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Words (Just Be Kind)

Do you ever miss my words?
Do you ever really miss me?
Now and then, I know you said
But did you miss me or just your own bed? :)

You get along fine without me
except when a crisis appears
do you isolate yourself completely?
or just stay away from me?

isolating yourself is not good for you
you can self-destruct holding things inside
are you using words to let it out?
happiness is hard when you hide

I hope you are learning to open up
and trust more than ever before
that is how to make relationships work
no walls, no ceiling, no door

trust each other enough to have alone time
even while sharing the same space
and you never have to really feel alone
that is the state of grace

that we call love
it's not just somewhere high above
from a god that is out there
true love can be found right there
look around
true love is found right here

I hope you are learning to open up
and share more than ever before
that is how to make relationships work
no walls, no ceiling, no door

use your words whe…
Recent posts

Questions & Answers (on the Roller Coaster)

I don't know if you read these
or what they mean to you if you do
it would mean so much to me if you did
to know someone who knows me still cares
to know someone knows I am here

I wrote the blues out of me in the messages in Words to Friends. A whole lot of food helped. Way too many calories and the body will most likely pay for it tomorrow. I'm bundled up under seven layer of clothes with gloves on. It's not so dad here tonight, but having to keep the window open, it's 52 degrees, which wouldn't be so bad if I could just warm up but I'm tired of being under the electric blanket.

Long month.

If I went to the gym, took a shower, even a luke warm shower, I'm likely be in so much better spirits. I could even go to the office where it's nice and warm, although sleep might not be as comfortable sitting up there. Not good for the bottom either.

Now I am just numb.

I am not sleeping well this month, so the optimism and will power and good stuff is challeng…

Bummed, Then Not so Bummed

Maybe it's because I have no one to celebrate my winning the tournament with. Maybe it's cuz I ate food after midnight which is stupid for the body. Maybe because I am sitting in four layers of clothes listening to loud snoring fifteen feet away with no door or wall. Maybe because I need sleep but I will not sleep. Because I came back here to this again tonight. Maybe because this. So the daily blog was not as excited as it should have been tonight. We won the tournament, after all. And Happy Birthday Precious. Maybe because I am feeling so alone.

It will pass, it always does. The most important meeting of the month is tomorrow and I have hours of prep to do for it and I need to be clear headed all day to do that and that will only happen with caffeine because I won't sleep tonight, so the passing may take longer than it should. I may eat some more, which certainly won't help much, but it'll keep me warm. The snoring is amazingly loud.

I should start counting dow…

Insecurity and Curiosity

Ok, so here's the way I communicate best when I am in touch with myself... an introduction or overture into a song into an epilogue or coda... I ave not been achieving as much clarity in the years you've known me as I have in the past, but maybe this time in this email you will notice a difference. I don't feel the neediness and desperation I've been feeling for some years. I feel a security and awareness I've all but forgotten about. Imagine if I took working out seriously every day :)

Anyway, the words above introduce the creative communication process below as the thread of this email continues...

I hope it makes some sense to you... (and some kind of message gets through to you... please listen to Dan Fogelberg, Part of the Plan :)

And now, on with the thread...

(semi-spoken introductory overture)
Sometimes I feel insecure and just want to be sure about what someone thinks or feels because I cant read minds and in my life I've found that people are not alw…


The first of December often brings a wave (sometimes a tsunami) of memories and questions along with debris and unopened baggage because that is how I chose to set my mind by the calendar year. Memories are stored mostly neatly and safely away until I reach for them on certain dates every year. Personal holidays.

I never know what opening the flood gates might bring and the roller coaster of emotions that is life as I know it sometimes surprises me on this date, especially when it falls on a Friday or Saturday or when I am not working and I can turn off the world's daily clock and let my circadian rhythm take me where it will when I stop trying to conform to time and space in this world.

This year, this is one of the babblings that started somewhere around the eve of the first (maybe have been the 29th and if we want to know, the temperature histories can tell us) and continued on and off for several more nights for almost a week. In this case, another segment in a thread in let…

MP is Not a D If We All Like Each Other

So in my continuous effort to fend off loneliness and convince E that I am a good conversationalist for both of us (she doesn't talk much), I responded to one of her one line letters in which she asked a question in response to a question I asked her that she didn't answer until prompted by a few emails that started off with a single line subtly taunted her for not answering the original question.

The title is my next T-Shirt Idea.

Anyway, after ignoring my poking answer to my question that she didn't answer in the second email, she asked a question about the answer to the question I asked her that started the third email. So I responded...

I answer myself. Maybe you noticed (referring to the last email I sent )

She doesn’t get my literal sense of humor sometimes.

Yeah I know. Especially when she doesn’t answer a question and I speculate on the possible answers.

Yeah, she doesn’t always give the attention I crave all the time.

That’s your problem, being insatiable is…

MPD (DID) For The Win!

So this is an example of why I used to do to work through frustration and amuse myself. Writing. Writing to people who once cared for me, or so I dearly believed. Writing to imaginary people who love me unconditionally, or so I dearly believed. Writing to myself, who completely adores me and accepts me and wants nothing but my happiness loving and being loved and being loving and dearly believing.

One of us is real, I just know it.

So tonight I thank my dear memory of E, or at least who I imagine E to be, once again.

E for the win!

We did have fun once, didn't we?

Whatever, maybe it wasn't fun for you. Anyway, you wouldn't believe what Frank the old umpire did tonight. It was obvious that he was pissy because it rained on and off all evening and our 8:30 games wasn't starting until after 9, but bad calls, horrible strike zone, and unfriendliness aside, he let the other team manipulate him into giving them a win.

They are a great hitting team and were hitting. The ju…