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Bummed, Then Not so Bummed

Maybe it's because I have no one to celebrate my winning the tournament with. Maybe it's cuz I ate food after midnight which is stupid for the body. Maybe because I am sitting in four layers of clothes listening to loud snoring fifteen feet away with no door or wall. Maybe because I need sleep but I will not sleep. Because I came back here to this again tonight. Maybe because this. So the daily blog was not as excited as it should have been tonight. We won the tournament, after all. And Happy Birthday Precious. Maybe because I am feeling so alone.

It will pass, it always does. The most important meeting of the month is tomorrow and I have hours of prep to do for it and I need to be clear headed all day to do that and that will only happen with caffeine because I won't sleep tonight, so the passing may take longer than it should. I may eat some more, which certainly won't help much, but it'll keep me warm. The snoring is amazingly loud.

I should start counting dow…
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Insecurity and Curiosity

Ok, so here's the way I communicate best when I am in touch with myself... an introduction or overture into a song into an epilogue or coda... I ave not been achieving as much clarity in the years you've known me as I have in the past, but maybe this time in this email you will notice a difference. I don't feel the neediness and desperation I've been feeling for some years. I feel a security and awareness I've all but forgotten about. Imagine if I took working out seriously every day :)

Anyway, the words above introduce the creative communication process below as the thread of this email continues...

I hope it makes some sense to you... (and some kind of message gets through to you... please listen to Dan Fogelberg, Part of the Plan :)

And now, on with the thread...

(semi-spoken introductory overture)
Sometimes I feel insecure and just want to be sure about what someone thinks or feels because I cant read minds and in my life I've found that people are not alw…


The first of December often brings a wave (sometimes a tsunami) of memories and questions along with debris and unopened baggage because that is how I chose to set my mind by the calendar year. Memories are stored mostly neatly and safely away until I reach for them on certain dates every year. Personal holidays.

I never know what opening the flood gates might bring and the roller coaster of emotions that is life as I know it sometimes surprises me on this date, especially when it falls on a Friday or Saturday or when I am not working and I can turn off the world's daily clock and let my circadian rhythm take me where it will when I stop trying to conform to time and space in this world.

This year, this is one of the babblings that started somewhere around the eve of the first (maybe have been the 29th and if we want to know, the temperature histories can tell us) and continued on and off for several more nights for almost a week. In this case, another segment in a thread in let…

MP is Not a D If We All Like Each Other

So in my continuous effort to fend off loneliness and convince E that I am a good conversationalist for both of us (she doesn't talk much), I responded to one of her one line letters in which she asked a question in response to a question I asked her that she didn't answer until prompted by a few emails that started off with a single line subtly taunted her for not answering the original question.

The title is my next T-Shirt Idea.

Anyway, after ignoring my poking answer to my question that she didn't answer in the second email, she asked a question about the answer to the question I asked her that started the third email. So I responded...

I answer myself. Maybe you noticed (referring to the last email I sent )

She doesn’t get my literal sense of humor sometimes.

Yeah I know. Especially when she doesn’t answer a question and I speculate on the possible answers.

Yeah, she doesn’t always give the attention I crave all the time.

That’s your problem, being insatiable is…

MPD (DID) For The Win!

So this is an example of why I used to do to work through frustration and amuse myself. Writing. Writing to people who once cared for me, or so I dearly believed. Writing to imaginary people who love me unconditionally, or so I dearly believed. Writing to myself, who completely adores me and accepts me and wants nothing but my happiness loving and being loved and being loving and dearly believing.

One of us is real, I just know it.

So tonight I thank my dear memory of E, or at least who I imagine E to be, once again.

E for the win!

We did have fun once, didn't we?

Whatever, maybe it wasn't fun for you. Anyway, you wouldn't believe what Frank the old umpire did tonight. It was obvious that he was pissy because it rained on and off all evening and our 8:30 games wasn't starting until after 9, but bad calls, horrible strike zone, and unfriendliness aside, he let the other team manipulate him into giving them a win.

They are a great hitting team and were hitting. The ju…

Like All The Others

This blog continued elsewhere, like all the others, in voice-to-text messages on my phone then emailed to my email and sitting there waiting for me to cut and paste and edit the babbling into entries to be posted in their respective blogs. Like this one where I store copies of letters to E (and me). And as if there was some sort of reason for proof to be needed, here is one recent little ditty:

Here I am, after midnight, just finished a cheese omelette snack and chocolate protein drinks and buying more T-Shirts I don't need and giving into impulse cuz I'm lonely and blah blah blah and I am wondering if you wrote. I did. Several blog posts. You know I blog, right? Almost daily sometimes in several different blogs. Nobody reads, or at least nobody tells me they read. Lonely there too lol. But the words keep me company and help me figure things out and maintain some mental emotional balance of sorts. Posting the words on the internet keeps the dream alive, the dream of sharing eve…

so many loose threads

you help so many people find their confidence inside
you help them figure out what they are feeling
you help them understand the thoughts in their mind
so what about you?
you live to help everyone else
I wish you had the confidence
to do it for yourself :)

It's not easy being your friend sometimes
because you care so much
because you feel responsible
for everything your touch
yet there is something so important
that you leave denied
you give your love to everyone
except the one inside

so what about you?
when will you let yourself know
how good you are
how strong you are
when will you let go?

if you could only see yourself
the way that others do
you'd wonder why it took so long
for you to love you

no wonder you're confused sometimes
looking for answers on your shelf
the books offer some good advice
but when you need is in yourself
just trust your true intentions
nurture your inner child
embrace your fears and let them help you
understand why you cried or smiled

I wish I cou…