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Still The Same

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, but it's almost always by choice. Or forgetfulness. I wonder if you understand that. I don't know if anyone ever has. That, in and of itself, is lonely.

I learned self-control as a survival skill before I knew how to define or describe what I was doing. Instinct saved me from so much, and eventually, I learned that everything I thought or felt was a choice. My choice.

It isolated me so much from others, It still does. I did everything I could to try to forget this. I did everything I could to try to forget who I am, what I can do, and how it feels to be me. It didn't work.

I did it for love.

You are sometimes uncomfortable around me and I'm not sure if you know why. It is because I can feel everything and you can feel that and it scares you. It is your hypersensitivity. You don't know how to be comfortable with all you feel, especially because there are so many sad and painful feelings in this world and I feel every…
Recent posts

Pretend We Don't Know Why

You were the last one I chose to trust unconditionally. The last one I let in to the space inside of me. You never ventured deep. We did not share our sleep. Or our dreams or our schemes or whatever that means. Yet until someone else comes along to take your place in my heart. I write to you as if you are here because that is your part. In this live I live. Everything I give. Are our dreams ad our schemes of whatever that means... all the trust without lust because that is the unconditional... or bust.

You may not know that life is pretend. We forget most of the truths we knew as children at play. You may not know that love never ends. The bond of trust is so far beyond lust that it perpetually mends.

All we need to do is trust the truth to come to us in being real and sharing caring unconditionally. That is when we can know the experience of love that is beyond when fear prevents us from seeing... it is so freeing... the purest being... all as one with the energy of the infinite et…

Time Goes By So...

Slowly? Only when you pay attention. Otherwise, time goes by way too fast. Two songs in there, at least, if you're paying attention. Anyway, this next set of letters can be called Sent and Not Sent, or Sent and Unsent, as the brief one was sent and the longer one (cut short still), was not sent. There are reasons that may or may not become clear in the reading, and if you understand, wonderful. If you let me know, amazing. If you never know, no worries, enjoy your life anyway.

Sent

I used to write so much and for years I exchanged emails with many people. Before email, snail mail. Pen pals, friends... I felt connected, cared for, alive in other people's hearts and minds and it felt very good. It's all gone now and that sometimes makes me feel very sad, alone, nobody.

Make the most of your relationships. Take care of the connections. You, more than me, even, thrive on the people who know and care about you. It takes time, work, and sacrifice. To stay connected. To stay ali…

Words (Just Be Kind)

Do you ever miss my words?
Do you ever really miss me?
Now and then, I know you said
But did you miss me or just your own bed? :)

You get along fine without me
except when a crisis appears
do you isolate yourself completely?
or just stay away from me?

isolating yourself is not good for you
you can self-destruct holding things inside
are you using words to let it out?
happiness is hard when you hide

I hope you are learning to open up
and trust more than ever before
that is how to make relationships work
no walls, no ceiling, no door

trust each other enough to have alone time
even while sharing the same space
and you never have to really feel alone
that is the state of grace

that we call love
it's not just somewhere high above
from a god that is out there
true love can be found right there
look around
true love is found right here

I hope you are learning to open up
and share more than ever before
that is how to make relationships work
no walls, no ceiling, no door

use your words whe…

Questions & Answers (on the Roller Coaster)

I don't know if you read these
or what they mean to you if you do
it would mean so much to me if you did
to know someone who knows me still cares
to know someone knows I am here

I wrote the blues out of me in the messages in Words to Friends. A whole lot of food helped. Way too many calories and the body will most likely pay for it tomorrow. I'm bundled up under seven layer of clothes with gloves on. It's not so dad here tonight, but having to keep the window open, it's 52 degrees, which wouldn't be so bad if I could just warm up but I'm tired of being under the electric blanket.

Long month.

If I went to the gym, took a shower, even a luke warm shower, I'm likely be in so much better spirits. I could even go to the office where it's nice and warm, although sleep might not be as comfortable sitting up there. Not good for the bottom either.

Now I am just numb.

I am not sleeping well this month, so the optimism and will power and good stuff is challeng…

Bummed, Then Not so Bummed

Maybe it's because I have no one to celebrate my winning the tournament with. Maybe it's cuz I ate food after midnight which is stupid for the body. Maybe because I am sitting in four layers of clothes listening to loud snoring fifteen feet away with no door or wall. Maybe because I need sleep but I will not sleep. Because I came back here to this again tonight. Maybe because this. So the daily blog was not as excited as it should have been tonight. We won the tournament, after all. And Happy Birthday Precious. Maybe because I am feeling so alone.

It will pass, it always does. The most important meeting of the month is tomorrow and I have hours of prep to do for it and I need to be clear headed all day to do that and that will only happen with caffeine because I won't sleep tonight, so the passing may take longer than it should. I may eat some more, which certainly won't help much, but it'll keep me warm. The snoring is amazingly loud.

I should start counting dow…

Insecurity and Curiosity

Ok, so here's the way I communicate best when I am in touch with myself... an introduction or overture into a song into an epilogue or coda... I ave not been achieving as much clarity in the years you've known me as I have in the past, but maybe this time in this email you will notice a difference. I don't feel the neediness and desperation I've been feeling for some years. I feel a security and awareness I've all but forgotten about. Imagine if I took working out seriously every day :)

Anyway, the words above introduce the creative communication process below as the thread of this email continues...

I hope it makes some sense to you... (and some kind of message gets through to you... please listen to Dan Fogelberg, Part of the Plan :)

And now, on with the thread...

(semi-spoken introductory overture)
Sometimes I feel insecure and just want to be sure about what someone thinks or feels because I cant read minds and in my life I've found that people are not alw…