Still The Same

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, but it's almost always by choice. Or forgetfulness. I wonder if you understand that. I don't know if anyone ever has. That, in and of itself, is lonely.

I learned self-control as a survival skill before I knew how to define or describe what I was doing. Instinct saved me from so much, and eventually, I learned that everything I thought or felt was a choice. My choice.

It isolated me so much from others, It still does. I did everything I could to try to forget this. I did everything I could to try to forget who I am, what I can do, and how it feels to be me. It didn't work.

I did it for love.

You are sometimes uncomfortable around me and I'm not sure if you know why. It is because I can feel everything and you can feel that and it scares you. It is your hypersensitivity. You don't know how to be comfortable with all you feel, especially because there are so many sad and painful feelings in this world and I feel every one, even when I turn my mind off and forget.

These days, instead of drugs or alcohol, I choose more natural chemicals in chocolate, sugar, salts, and other foods. I stimulate and numb myself, depending on my mood. All by choice.

Maybe you don't really believe me, or understand, or want to. It might scare you too much. I don't want to think you only stay in touch out of guilt or shame or fear of being without a parachute you can trust unconditionally with anything in this world. I want to believe it is me too, not just you.

Ultimately, though, I know we all, humans, are self-motivated by self-interests right down to our core. Even those of us who appear extremely altruistic in our actions are getting satisfaction, so a primal motivation is still within. We do what we do for ourselves. Some of us feel so much, we want to do for others too, but still, ultimately, we do what we do to survive, to fulfill our needs, to please ourselves.

Those who do not are not happy and can be so confused they self-harm in some way. Many, if not most, do not. Consuming poisons is a human past time. We accept it, we laugh about it, we even enjoy it.

Imagine not being confused in this world. It is a very solitary experience.

So I learned to be confused in an attempt to share more, to bond more, to be more like others. Like an emotional chameleon, I absorbed others feelings though empathy, and recently you've give it another name, hypersensitivity.

I call it being. Being alive. Being awake. Being aware. Being conscious. Being in touch with senses and self. Being in the moment in the time and space. Being.

I hide so well, maybe nobody ever really knew me.

I don't mean to scare you or overload your senses. I appreciate your ability to feel as much as you do. I wish that didn't scare you. Ever listen to the entire soundtrack of Free To Be, You and Me with your mind wide open?

Most people tell me my writing leaps around and can be challenging to follow. I feel like I am taking baby steps.

So tonight, I let myself feel lonely and that leads me to want to share and be known by someone. You're the closest chance I have to be known because of who you are, because you are nearby in this world, because we keep in touch, and and because of how much time we spent close in space.

Loneliness is proof of life, in case you think it is only sad. Loneliness is rejoicing in wanting to be alive, wanting to share, wanting to care, wanting to love, wanting what can be the best feelings and most important thing we can do as humans. Loving each other. Those who don't let themselves feel lonely are dying or dead inside. So may you understand, my loneliness is joyous.

Especially when it is sprinkled with hope. :)

So here we are again, me babbling, you scratching your head wondering what I am doing and what to say. Laughing? I hope so. :)

Communication is such a fragile balance, such a precious miracle. For two people to find a similar enough perspective and frame of reference to understand each other is a combination of luck, coincidence, patience, sharing, and caring. Wanting to is a key ingredient. Choosing to is the key ingredient.

Than you for choosing to keep in touch with me. If these words trigger you in any way, I'm almost baffled. If they do, I wish you could tell me which words, which concepts, which thoughts, which feelings.

I watched Lady and the Tramp tonight. One of my favorite films of all time since I was alive but a few years. Then, I wanted it again. First the 1955 version, then the 2019 version. The first inspired laughter more than anything else, because the memories were so wonderful, the silliness bounced around and the prejudices were were accepted and not meaning any harm, no matter what the original intentions of the writer and director might have been. The second inspired tears, even as the story was farcical and, whether intentionally or not, broke a cardinal rule for me, it was based or set in revisionist history. That is dangerous. Still, the love...

Love still turns me on
the hope for the perfect
unconditional trust
with or without lust

Love still lights my fire
the dream of forever
sharing everything
and all time may bring

Love still is the why
the reason I exist
the highest high above
to love and be loved

Love still completes me
the way I want to be
the give of giving
the way of living

I choose
to love and be loved
the hope and he dream
I stay with it win or lose
and if anyone offers another way
I refuse
I choose to love and be loved
loving, win or lose.

If you know anybody who might want to share this hope and dream and way of being, anyone who can overcome fear and share completely honestly and openly, anyone who can survive anything intact, who can feel everything and still smile and enjoy the experience of awareness in spite of the pain i this world, anyone who can truly understand...

I'm right here waiting :)

Thanks for reading,

hl,
me