Sent
I used to write so much and for years I exchanged emails with many people. Before email, snail mail. Pen pals, friends... I felt connected, cared for, alive in other people's hearts and minds and it felt very good. It's all gone now and that sometimes makes me feel very sad, alone, nobody.
Make the most of your relationships. Take care of the connections. You, more than me, even, thrive on the people who know and care about you. It takes time, work, and sacrifice. To stay connected. To stay alive outside of our heads.
Anyway, I checked email for the first time in many weeks and I didn't need to, there's nothing worth my time. No personal connections. So I wrote an email to you and posted it on our blog. Did you remember I created a blog for us? lol.
I'm not sad anymore. Writing does that for me.
I know you don't understand how much it helps me to write and you let it bring you down or affect you poorly, so I'll stop now. All is well (whether you believe it or not :) ), I'm just checking in with myself by writing to you, because I know you care. Writing is easier when I know somebody cares.
Thank you for caring about me. And KIT.
I'm not sad anymore. Writing does that for me.
You should try it sometime ;P lol
Make today beautiful!
hl,
me
Unsent (and as always, unfinished)
I used to write so much and for years I exchanged emails with many people. Before email, snail mail. Pen pals, friends... I felt connected, cared for, alive in other people's hearts and minds and it felt very good. It's all gone now and that sometimes makes me very sad, alone, nobody.
Make the most of your relationships. Take care of the connections. You, more than me, even, thrive on the people who know and care about you. It takes time, work, and sacrifice. To stay connected. To stay alive outside of our heads.
I became selfish, withdrawn, partly licking my wounds but mostly just drifting through my mind and life. Nobody wanted to tag along, so nobody did. Maybe I didn't make it easy, but it was easy for me and I enjoy my journey, even when it takes me down (I only go down so I can rise up again... rising up feels so good, ya know? I hope you do :) ).
People like order, plans, structure, purpose, some sort of meaning. I do too, sometimes, but sometimes I really enjoy the chaos, the randomness, or at least the apparent randomness, of life, the universe, and everything. For me, it's all illusion, order, chaos, everything, and sometimes, I just want to be real. Real is momentary spontaneous randomness. Even chaos. The scares people away. So I am alone. Sometimes that leads to deep sadness for I can so love and so very deeply miss the shared illusion of permanence, intimacy, and love.
Relationships require buying into shared illusions. I tried with all I had to to that and gave all I could, but it was either too much or too little...
So tonight I visited email for the first time in many weeks, maybe months, and I find nothing there. Nothing personal. Nothing worth my time.
Disconnected, yet still clinging to a few connections to the world of people. You're one. Work is another. Softball is another. A few friends I see occasionally, Helen, Jane, and a couple of monetary bonds, a phone I pay for, people who call me dad once or twice a year. That's about it these days.
Daily, there's no personal touches, no one really cares if I exist or not, no one wants to know what is going on inside of me. I've learned to live with that.
I am writing this partly for pity and sympathy, I can't deny that, but mostly it's just an assessment of the status of my personal life. As objective as I can see it.
I appreciate you for keeping in touch with me and I really want you to know that.
I also want you to know I'm ok alone. I enjoy my moments playing a video game or watching TV or cooking and eating or whatever I do, alone, and while I'd like to share more with someone, I actually choose to stay alone because I am tired of the compromises that relationships require. So even as I lament over loneliness, I laugh at life and love and all the little things that I think and feel and experience every moment, like alliteration.
Some days I am so tired of the compromises people demand, I just walk away from the world.
Today I left practice early because I tried to coach and was rejected. I coached last week and it was fine, but last week the guy who challenged me today was not there. I was told "you're not needed here" so I walked off the field and left. I didn't blow up, didn't yell, didn't make any scene, I just left.
They didn't want to practice, they didn't cover bases or throw the ball in or show any enthusiasm and I asked, simply and without anger, why are we here? They said they'll play during games. They don't. They forget what to do because they don't practice it. For me, I can't afford to ignore the ball and not pay attention as the pitcher, in practice or game. They can.
The one guy spoke in the collective "we" and told me I was being negative and in so many words, told me to shut up and pitch (not in those words, but that was the point he was making). He wouldn't let go and I paused and said I needed a break. That's when he said "we don't need you here" and I said fine, I'll leave. The coach came to my car but it was too late. I wasn't going back to that, especially since no one spoke up, so I accepted the "we" as collective.
What's the point of practicing bad habits? That's what the mind and body remember during the pressure of a game. Lazy bad habits. They don't get it. Anyway, I'm not sure I'm going back, but the World Series is paid for so I'll go to that with them because the coach asked me too.
Huge waste of money given they don't really practice. We can just have fun and not practice softball skills and save well over a thousand dollars each. They think they can just turn if on and know what to do during games, but they don't do it during games. I don't understand wasting money and time like that. I said all this to the coach at the car.
I guess I just wanted to air that out, think it through, and tell someone.
Someone who cares.
Meanwhile, here at home, it took less than an hour and the kitchen counter has nutella smears, bread and cracker crumbs, and there's not a clear area on the counter or kitchen table. If want to cook, I have to clear his stuff and clean again. All the cleaning I did this week while they were away is undone in the blink of an eye. At least there's a sanitized layer under the mess. I explained to Andy where the ants were coming from and he nodded and then he and/or the kids just put more food out for the ants. I just don't understand people.
Compromise. Sometimes it is not as easy as it looks. lol. I am laughing, in spite of the lonely frustration.
Now you are sad, but you shouldn't be. You are probably wanting to say you are sorry about the day I had and the things I am writing about. This writing helps me put it in perspective and that pleases me. I let it out and don't carry it inside. I accept the compromises, lazy team, dirty house, aloneness, and move on.
I may stay up all night and write, give myself some quality me time, and drink coffee to get through work tomorrow.
I just want to believe someone cares and wants to know.
I'm not going to send this now.
I'll post it on our blog.
Someday, maybe you'll understand.
Thank you for caring about me, even when you don't know you're helping. :)
hl,
me
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