Repression

I repress so well I don't die of loneliness... but I want to share so much it hurts and I want to love so much it hurts and if I don't repress it I will obsess and drive myself crazy and get so desperate I will settle for anyone for just a little while and then we'd both get hurt. I don't want to hurt anybody so I repress who I am I repress my desire to love and be loved and the most important reason I am alive is ignored... so sad... so sad... so sad it hurts to much so I repress awareness...

Is this wasting a life?

Repress that question. Repress that thought. Repress that feeling. I wish I could ignore the way you do. It is a blessing. I am cursed.
You're not the one I want to fall in love with
The one I want is nowhere to be found
but you may understand how much it hurts
to be alone, to feel unloved, to be alone
and believing you understand let's me believe I am not as alone as alone.

It's all illusion in my mind
I sleep alone every night
No one is here to talk to me
to share the dark till morning light

I don't want to feel this pain
I'm lost without love
I don't want to feel this ache
when all I dream of
is being in love
and sharing love
with someone who loves
me as much as I love
love, love, love
I am nothing but pain without love

I know I could find
a lover or a friend
but it blows my mind
how people make love end
when love does not end
unless you live a lie
I can not live that lie
I would rather die

and I die each night
each moment I am not loved
I die each breath
I breath without sharing love
can anyone really understand
is this madness or just being alive
aware of why I am here
to love and be loved
not just to survive

the delusions all around me
leave me unsatisfied

you are not the one I want to fall in love with
the one I want is nowhere to be found
but I think you understand how much it hurts
to be alone, to feel unloved, to be unfound
and believing you understand let's me believe
I am not as alone as alone can sound.

It's all illusion in my mind
I sleep alone every night
no one is here to talk to me
to share the dark till morning light

when you let me know you understand
it makes everything alright
you give me hope to keep believing
someone will love me
even when no one's in sight

so I just want to say thank you...
love you... nite nite.
If you only knew how important you are in my head, you'd wonder how I get along almost never seeing you or talking to you. But then, I live in my head, alone, and have survived in my imagination alone most of this life. Believing you understand the desperate desire to love and be loved could all be an illusion I create to help me feel less alone, but it works, even in your absence. Survival skills come in all forms and mine start in my mind. Sometimes I laugh at the folly of depending on the belief that you believe in me as much as I do, but who else knows me - no one even comes close. It's not like you helped me find anyone who might be a compatible friend for me in all our years sharing daily life lol. Sometimes I thought maybe you were ashamed of me because I am older and ave my oddities and quirks. Sometimes I want to believe you just don't let anyone in enough to... or maybe I just never got drunk with you and that is an important social bonding we missed. Maybe it is me who never lets my guard down. Maybe I think too much, but what else have I got to do with my brain and life? lam.

Maybe? lol lam laa...

Someday you will either start ignoring me or you will surprise me and tell me how you really feel and what I really mean to you. Maybe you just don't think about what people mean to you and just ride the surface waves of life and relationships and so on. Hopefully you will wait until I have Alzheimer's or something before you start ignoring me (wait a minute, you do ignore 99.9% of me as it is, but I guess I mean completely ignore and stop contact) completely cuz you are good and kind and guilt-ridden like that (laughing at truth? lol).

I love writing. I have so little external inspiration. No one has really shared or appreciated my writing in decades. That is anther deep layer of loneliness nobody really understands about me and my experience in this life. I appreciate you inspiring me and tolerating this sudden flow of words... though they are not all about you, believing you care inspires them.


hl,
me