Letters To E (and Me)

So why do you think I need this? lol All I ever wanted was to be loved but everyone seems to want something more reaching for something so high above or something they see in every store all I ever wanted was someone who could give everything up for me cuz that's all I've got to give them everything...  so if I ask for too much I have settled for so much less and I always want more and that's too much I guess I am living the dream imagining like John and if no one will walk with me I'll just walk on Living every moment in my peaceful happiness it's not that it's perfect, surely you know the madness comes and goes, does it show? there's so much out there, maybe you don't see there's plenty of madness inside of me but I try to deal with mine honestly my madness is just loving unconditionally so it's easy to take advantage it's easy to take for granted it's easy to ignore me when I say will anyone come out to

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, but it's almost always by choice. Or forgetfulness. I wonder if you understand that. I don't know if anyone ever has. That, in and of itself, is lonely. I learned self-control as a survival skill before I knew how to define or describe what I was doing. Instinct saved me from so much, and eventually, I learned that everything I thought or felt was a choice. My choice. It isolated me so much from others, It still does. I did everything I could to try to forget this. I did everything I could to try to forget who I am, what I can do, and how it feels to be me. It didn't work. I did it for love. You are sometimes uncomfortable around me and I'm not sure if you know why. It is because I can feel everything and you can feel that and it scares you. It is your hypersensitivity. You don't know how to be comfortable with all you feel, especially because there are so many sad and painful feelings in this world and I feel ev

You were the last one I chose to trust unconditionally. The last one I let in to the space inside of me. You never ventured deep. We did not share our sleep. Or our dreams or our schemes or whatever that means. Yet until someone else comes along to take your place in my heart. I write to you as if you are here because that is your part. In this live I live. Everything I give. Are our dreams ad our schemes of whatever that means... all the trust without lust because that is the unconditional... or bust. You may not know that life is pretend . We forget most of the truths we knew as children at play. You may not know that love never ends. The bond of trust is so far beyond lust that it perpetually mends. All we need to do is trust the truth to come to us in being real and sharing caring unconditionally. That is when we can know the experience of love that is beyond when fear prevents us from seeing... it is so freeing... the purest being... all as one with the energy of the infinite

Slowly? Only when you pay attention. Otherwise, time goes by way too fast. Two songs in there, at least, if you're paying attention. Anyway, this next set of letters can be called Sent and Not Sent, or Sent and Unsent, as the brief one was sent and the longer one (cut short still), was not sent. There are reasons that may or may not become clear in the reading, and if you understand, wonderful. If you let me know, amazing. If you never know, no worries, enjoy your life anyway. Sent I used to write so much and for years I exchanged emails with many people. Before email, snail mail. Pen pals, friends... I felt connected, cared for, alive in other people's hearts and minds and it felt very good. It's all gone now and that sometimes makes me feel very sad, alone, nobody. Make the most of your relationships. Take care of the connections. You, more than me, even, thrive on the people who know and care about you. It takes time, work, and sacrifice. To stay connected. To stay

Do you ever miss my words? Do you ever really miss me? Now and then, I know you said But did you miss me or just your own bed? :) You get along fine without me except when a crisis appears do you isolate yourself completely? or just stay away from me? isolating yourself is not good for you you can self-destruct holding things inside are you using words to let it out? happiness is hard when you hide I hope you are learning to open up and trust more than ever before that is how to make relationships work no walls, no ceiling, no door trust each other enough to have alone time even while sharing the same space and you never have to really feel alone that is the state of grace that we call love it's not just somewhere high above from a god that is out there true love can be found right there look around true love is found right here I hope you are learning to open up and share more than ever before that is how to make relationships work no walls, no c

I don't know if you read these or what they mean to you if you do it would mean so much to me if you did to know someone who knows me still cares to know someone knows I am here I wrote the blues out of me in the messages in Words to Friends. A whole lot of food helped. Way too many calories and the body will most likely pay for it tomorrow. I'm bundled up under seven layer of clothes with gloves on. It's not so dad here tonight, but having to keep the window open, it's 52 degrees, which wouldn't be so bad if I could just warm up but I'm tired of being under the electric blanket. Long month. If I went to the gym, took a shower, even a luke warm shower, I'm likely be in so much better spirits. I could even go to the office where it's nice and warm, although sleep might not be as comfortable sitting up there. Not good for the bottom either. Now I am just numb. I am not sleeping well this month, so the optimism and will power and good stuff is