Letters To E (and Me)

I don't know if you read these or what they mean to you if you do it would mean so much to me if you did to know someone who knows me still cares to know someone knows I am here I wrote the blues out of me in the messages in Words to Friends. A whole lot of food helped. Way too many calories and the body will most likely pay for it tomorrow. I'm bundled up under seven layer of clothes with gloves on. It's not so dad here tonight, but having to keep the window open, it's 52 degrees, which wouldn't be so bad if I could just warm up but I'm tired of being under the electric blanket. Long month. If I went to the gym, took a shower, even a luke warm shower, I'm likely be in so much better spirits. I could even go to the office where it's nice and warm, although sleep might not be as comfortable sitting up there. Not good for the bottom either. Now I am just numb. I am not sleeping well this month, so the optimism and will power and good stuff is...

Maybe it's because I have no one to celebrate my winning the tournament with. Maybe it's cuz I ate food after midnight which is stupid for the body. Maybe because I am sitting in four layers of clothes listening to loud snoring fifteen feet away with no door or wall. Maybe because I need sleep but I will not sleep. Because I came back here to this again tonight . Maybe because this . So the daily blog was not as excited as it should have been tonight. We won the tournament, after all. And Happy Birthday Precious. Maybe because I am feeling so alone. It will pass, it always does. The most important meeting of the month is tomorrow and I have hours of prep to do for it and I need to be clear headed all day to do that and that will only happen with caffeine because I won't sleep tonight, so the passing may take longer than it should. I may eat some more, which certainly won't help much, but it'll keep me warm. The snoring is amazingly loud. I should start counting...

Ok, so here's the way I communicate best when I am in touch with myself... an introduction or overture into a song into an epilogue or coda... I ave not been achieving as much clarity in the years you've known me as I have in the past, but maybe this time in this email you will notice a difference. I don't feel the neediness and desperation I've been feeling for some years. I feel a security and awareness I've all but forgotten about. Imagine if I took working out seriously every day :) Anyway, the words above introduce the creative communication process below as the thread of this email continues... I hope it makes some sense to you... (and some kind of message gets through to you... please listen to Dan Fogelberg, Part of the Plan :) And now, on with the thread... (semi-spoken introductory overture) Sometimes I feel insecure and just want to be sure about what someone thinks or feels because I cant read minds and in my life I've found that people are...

The first of December often brings a wave (sometimes a tsunami) of memories and questions along with debris and unopened baggage because that is how I chose to set my mind by the calendar year. Memories are stored mostly neatly and safely away until I reach for them on certain dates every year. Personal holidays. I never know what opening the flood gates might bring and the roller coaster of emotions that is life as I know it sometimes surprises me on this date, especially when it falls on a Friday or Saturday or when I am not working and I can turn off the world's daily clock and let my circadian rhythm take me where it will when I stop trying to conform to time and space in this world. This year, this is one of the babblings that started somewhere around the eve of the first (maybe have been the 29th and if we want to know, the temperature histories can tell us) and continued on and off for several more nights for almost a week. In this case, another segment in a thread in le...