I don't know if you read these
or what they mean to you if you do
it would mean so much to me if you did
to know someone who knows me still cares
to know someone knows I am here
I wrote the blues out of me in the messages in Words to Friends. A whole lot of food helped. Way too many calories and the body will most likely pay for it tomorrow. I'm bundled up under seven layer of clothes with gloves on. It's not so dad here tonight, but having to keep the window open, it's 52 degrees, which wouldn't be so bad if I could just warm up but I'm tired of being under the electric blanket.
Long month.
If I went to the gym, took a shower, even a luke warm shower, I'm likely be in so much better spirits. I could even go to the office where it's nice and warm, although sleep might not be as comfortable sitting up there. Not good for the bottom either.
Now I am just numb.
I am not sleeping well this month, so the optimism and will power and good stuff is challenging to maintain. I started moving stuff into the new place, but the new roommate has not cleared out my room, the wall in the garage where I am starting to put my stuff, and the living room that he said will be mine/ He said we'll share the house, but he is still living in my half of the house which makes moving in awkward. I may have to find a way to move in late in the month which will mean renting a truck and doing most of it myself since movers will not be available Xmas week and I wanted to move in gradually during the month to save $ so I will keep bringing boxes over every two days or so and hope he stops procrastinating and clears out my half of the space. I think it's just depression-procrastination and he is sincere about sharing the house, but it still makes my moving in more challenging. Guess I just have t parent him a bit.
In this space, with the smell of propane and the open-flame propane heater left unattended regularly, sleep is not coming easily. This may be why I asked the question in the first place, you know? The and now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain... questions. We did have fun together once, right? I mean, living together with you was way more fun for me than it was stressful or sad. Not that it was all fun and there was stress and frustration and sadness and some of that was never really resolved (and you know how unresolved stuff lingers in my mind), but for me the memories and the overall experience was much fun and I miss you and I miss living with you. Sometimes a lot.
I just wondered if you missed living with me, ever, at all. And was t fun sometimes? More fun than not fun or more stress than fun...
Reading your mind is not always easy and sometimes I just would like to know if my "mind-reading" is accurate, ya know?
Maybe you keep in touch because I do read you well and you just don't want to admit it out loud.
It's more than just cuz I'm your parachute, right? (he asks hopefully and optimistically :)
So I am still awake due to the lower temperatures and the propane heater and so on... and writing is my way of easing the stress (along with eating, but I've eaten way too much tonight already and if I don't get to the gym tomorrow I will be very unhappy with myself... it's just challenging to go to the gym when it's too cold here to shower). Pay for a gym member where there's a shower? I ought to look into where the nearest gym might be. Even in the new place, showering may be awkward when the kids are there. The bathroom is tiny even when they are not. Hopefully he will clean out my side of the house soon and I will be able to make it my space and feel more at home when I go over there. I haven't felt at home anywhere for a long long time. Living like a refugee is tiring and I've done it a lot in this life. Did I ever tell you about my time on the street and sending all my money to the Toronto family? Or when I bought the house for the Orlando family before I moved to Toronto? On some levels being homeless is a wonderful freedom.
Ah, memories...
Refrigerator boxes covered with tarp make for decent shelters and sleeping bags are warm. I should probably get one or find the one I have in storage. I am just tired of being bundled up and not taking a shower. Especially with my health issues. I never liked clothing much.
I guess I've always loved the adventure life can be. From my first memories as a very young child I understood isolation and how alone in the world most of us always are. The adopted family was so dysfunctional, the child I was did not learn the "normal human bonding" and I learned to create my own sort of bonding that is more obsessive or intense or just different enough to be scary or unattractive to most, if not all people. It's tough being an emotional freak child.
On the other hand, I learned to ride the roller coaster of emotions and experiences and enjoy the unpredictability of life without anyone else because that was my experience (and still is, except for the connection you maintain when you want to). My other connections in recent years are much more distant and much less frequent than you, believe it or not. There are people who reach out with a few words and a few who tell me they love me, but sometimes a couple of months or longer pass between those communications. That's why I appreciate when you share so much.
I wonder, sometimes, what would happen if you and I stopped staying close. Where would I drift off to next and would I survive?
Probably.
Death doesn't scare me much, but I've never been interested in it enough to want to experience it if it means I can't come back to living if I don't like it. I mean, I am curious and if I could have a round trip ticket back to life I would take the trip just to see what it's like, but there is so much hope in me that life will get even better than it is (in spite of the mess humans are making of this world) and I am enjoying the roller coaster of this physical life much too much to intentionally leave it. The dream of sharing everything from fun and games to falling in love remains my highest priority. Helping people keeps me happy along the way.
So how are you tonight? :)
I am either going to eat something now or get under the covers.
Or write more elsewhere.
You know I blog in more than a hundred different blogs, right?
Hope you guys are sleeping peacefully and feeling better and closer and more secure every day. Open up more to her, please. Everything will change for the better the moment you do and you'll wonder why it took you so long to do it when you do... promise. :)
hl,
me
or what they mean to you if you do
it would mean so much to me if you did
to know someone who knows me still cares
to know someone knows I am here
I wrote the blues out of me in the messages in Words to Friends. A whole lot of food helped. Way too many calories and the body will most likely pay for it tomorrow. I'm bundled up under seven layer of clothes with gloves on. It's not so dad here tonight, but having to keep the window open, it's 52 degrees, which wouldn't be so bad if I could just warm up but I'm tired of being under the electric blanket.
Long month.
If I went to the gym, took a shower, even a luke warm shower, I'm likely be in so much better spirits. I could even go to the office where it's nice and warm, although sleep might not be as comfortable sitting up there. Not good for the bottom either.
Now I am just numb.
I am not sleeping well this month, so the optimism and will power and good stuff is challenging to maintain. I started moving stuff into the new place, but the new roommate has not cleared out my room, the wall in the garage where I am starting to put my stuff, and the living room that he said will be mine/ He said we'll share the house, but he is still living in my half of the house which makes moving in awkward. I may have to find a way to move in late in the month which will mean renting a truck and doing most of it myself since movers will not be available Xmas week and I wanted to move in gradually during the month to save $ so I will keep bringing boxes over every two days or so and hope he stops procrastinating and clears out my half of the space. I think it's just depression-procrastination and he is sincere about sharing the house, but it still makes my moving in more challenging. Guess I just have t parent him a bit.
In this space, with the smell of propane and the open-flame propane heater left unattended regularly, sleep is not coming easily. This may be why I asked the question in the first place, you know? The and now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain... questions. We did have fun together once, right? I mean, living together with you was way more fun for me than it was stressful or sad. Not that it was all fun and there was stress and frustration and sadness and some of that was never really resolved (and you know how unresolved stuff lingers in my mind), but for me the memories and the overall experience was much fun and I miss you and I miss living with you. Sometimes a lot.
I just wondered if you missed living with me, ever, at all. And was t fun sometimes? More fun than not fun or more stress than fun...
Reading your mind is not always easy and sometimes I just would like to know if my "mind-reading" is accurate, ya know?
Maybe you keep in touch because I do read you well and you just don't want to admit it out loud.
It's more than just cuz I'm your parachute, right? (he asks hopefully and optimistically :)
So I am still awake due to the lower temperatures and the propane heater and so on... and writing is my way of easing the stress (along with eating, but I've eaten way too much tonight already and if I don't get to the gym tomorrow I will be very unhappy with myself... it's just challenging to go to the gym when it's too cold here to shower). Pay for a gym member where there's a shower? I ought to look into where the nearest gym might be. Even in the new place, showering may be awkward when the kids are there. The bathroom is tiny even when they are not. Hopefully he will clean out my side of the house soon and I will be able to make it my space and feel more at home when I go over there. I haven't felt at home anywhere for a long long time. Living like a refugee is tiring and I've done it a lot in this life. Did I ever tell you about my time on the street and sending all my money to the Toronto family? Or when I bought the house for the Orlando family before I moved to Toronto? On some levels being homeless is a wonderful freedom.
Ah, memories...
Refrigerator boxes covered with tarp make for decent shelters and sleeping bags are warm. I should probably get one or find the one I have in storage. I am just tired of being bundled up and not taking a shower. Especially with my health issues. I never liked clothing much.
I guess I've always loved the adventure life can be. From my first memories as a very young child I understood isolation and how alone in the world most of us always are. The adopted family was so dysfunctional, the child I was did not learn the "normal human bonding" and I learned to create my own sort of bonding that is more obsessive or intense or just different enough to be scary or unattractive to most, if not all people. It's tough being an emotional freak child.
On the other hand, I learned to ride the roller coaster of emotions and experiences and enjoy the unpredictability of life without anyone else because that was my experience (and still is, except for the connection you maintain when you want to). My other connections in recent years are much more distant and much less frequent than you, believe it or not. There are people who reach out with a few words and a few who tell me they love me, but sometimes a couple of months or longer pass between those communications. That's why I appreciate when you share so much.
I wonder, sometimes, what would happen if you and I stopped staying close. Where would I drift off to next and would I survive?
Probably.
Death doesn't scare me much, but I've never been interested in it enough to want to experience it if it means I can't come back to living if I don't like it. I mean, I am curious and if I could have a round trip ticket back to life I would take the trip just to see what it's like, but there is so much hope in me that life will get even better than it is (in spite of the mess humans are making of this world) and I am enjoying the roller coaster of this physical life much too much to intentionally leave it. The dream of sharing everything from fun and games to falling in love remains my highest priority. Helping people keeps me happy along the way.
So how are you tonight? :)
I am either going to eat something now or get under the covers.
Or write more elsewhere.
You know I blog in more than a hundred different blogs, right?
Hope you guys are sleeping peacefully and feeling better and closer and more secure every day. Open up more to her, please. Everything will change for the better the moment you do and you'll wonder why it took you so long to do it when you do... promise. :)
hl,
me
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