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Insecurity and Curiosity

Ok, so here's the way I communicate best when I am in touch with myself... an introduction or overture into a song into an epilogue or coda... I ave not been achieving as much clarity in the years you've known me as I have in the past, but maybe this time in this email you will notice a difference. I don't feel the neediness and desperation I've been feeling for some years. I feel a security and awareness I've all but forgotten about. Imagine if I took working out seriously every day :)

Anyway, the words above introduce the creative communication process below as the thread of this email continues...

I hope it makes some sense to you... (and some kind of message gets through to you... please listen to Dan Fogelberg, Part of the Plan :)

And now, on with the thread...

(semi-spoken introductory overture)

Sometimes I feel insecure and just want to be sure about what someone thinks or feels because I cant read minds and in my life I've found that people are not always being real. As much as I believe in you based on most of the things you do I know that being honest with your feelings can be tough... but even if I know it's true sometimes I just want to hear it from you so I hope my asking doesn't seem to rough... when just a simple word can be enough...

I don't know why you just can't say yes
when I ask a simple question
silence is like a rejection

You are afraid of something, I guess
cuz I don't want to believe you don't care
when I reach out and find you are not there

I never wanted love or romance
I never even asked for a dance
I only wanted to be your friend
and maybe family, you depended on me

So tell me it was not all in my mind
It's not as if you're leaving me behind
You keep in touch almost every day
so why is it so hard for you to say

yes we had fun
no we're not done
yes we can hang out from time to time

yes it was real
and we still feel
as close as two words that rhyme

I try to be the best brother I can be
I know words are really not your thing
still you know you can always reach out to me
and I will be there no matter what life brings

That is family
you can count on me
so why do I wonder about you?

Do I ask for too much?
should silence be enough?
I don't want a long answer
just tell me what is true

are we family?
will we always be?
just a simple yes will do

Sometimes communication can seem like pulling teeth
when words are all we have and words don't come
the distance and the time, does it diminish rhyme?
do the good feeling we shared go numb?

I don't want to take anything for granted
I don't want to assume I know your mind
I don't want to put words into your mouth
I want to believe your heart wants to be kind

I don't know why you just can't say yes
when I ask a simple question
I don't seek a deep inspection

I don't know why it seems I often have to guess
when I believe you care when we seldom share
when I reach out and find you are not there

we did have fun together once, didn't we?
I hope it wasn't all just anxiety
I tried to be the best big brother I could be
I wish I knew why it's so hard to just tell me
whether you and I are really family.

this is the hardest question for me to say....

are biological ties the only way?

maybe the answer is yes
maybe the answer is no
but if I do not ask
I'll never know
hl,
ric

PS... am I being a pain in the ass?

laugh?

:}

PPS... (semi-spoken coda) It could be just curiosity too, even when I am secure I do not want to speak for you. Seriously, in all honesty, I ask out of respect for your choice. Some things may not be unless they are voiced.

So while dozens of email threads lost hope and seem gone, the question in this email thread hangs on...

I suppose if you wait long enough an we'll forget what the question was.

Until it rises again, just because.

Unanswered questions do that.

Yes they does.

:P



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