I never know what opening the flood gates might bring and the roller coaster of emotions that is life as I know it sometimes surprises me on this date, especially when it falls on a Friday or Saturday or when I am not working and I can turn off the world's daily clock and let my circadian rhythm take me where it will when I stop trying to conform to time and space in this world.
This year, this is one of the babblings that started somewhere around the eve of the first (maybe have been the 29th and if we want to know, the temperature histories can tell us) and continued on and off for several more nights for almost a week. In this case, another segment in a thread in letters to E (influenced by some challenges I faced and the overall depths this time of year brings, as well as some challenges she was going through at the time too, hence the perhaps overly cautions layers of introduction added when each new night)...
.
What's "fun", anyway (I never give up, never surrender... I just keep trying different ways).
It's that "next Wednesday night" I mentioned somewhere in letters past...
As always, it ends laughing with a smile - if you trust me, you'll read.
I am including the part I said I should not send because I was wrong about hiding, holding back, or not sharing because sharing is the right way. If you trust me, you'll believe that.
This first bit was written the night of the 30 degree temperatures (the bad night)... Thursday night.
The bit "inserted" just after that was written tonight...
And now, the second night...
So just in case I don't wake up in the morning and you never get to answer the question in the subject (oh, remember that simple question?... see what happens when there's no answer? lol you should be laughing... I hope you are), don't feel bad. I know you don't like to answer simple questions when they are emo - but please understand why I ask (seriously now) - it's been a long time since we did anything just for fun and part of me wonders if we ever did.
All the memories aren't bad for me, hopefully they aren't for you either.
Meanwhile, around here in life (we don't share life much anymore. Maybe you don't want to. Normal human logic says I should accept your silence as the answer to my question and stop trying to reach out. I will not because, as I say, I never give up and never surrender. Unless you tell me to. Do you want me to stop?... I'll ask again).
Do you want me to stop?
Continuing until you say yes, I point again to the original question in the subect that opened this email thread and hope you read through to the end. Remember, it ends happy :)
Tomorrow I hope to stop by the new place and give him the deposit and start moving stuff there. Without heat here, Shane the Insane (new nickname he just earned) bought an indoor propane heater. I don't think they are safe and so at 4 AM tonight I am still awake because I don't want to die of CO or CO2 poisoning in my sleep. I face my fears head on with completely open honesty. That's how I've lived happily for this long.
It would be funny if this was a sit com, someone dumb enough to burn a propane heater indoors (along with the other abnormalities of this living space). I don't care what it says on the box about being indoor safe, it's not designed to be a permanent heat source indoors - and it can malfunction.
That night (the first night)... I wrote this...
I shouldn't send this, but I protect you from my troubles so much so you have no clue about the medical and other life challenges I face, but I love you so I don't talk about it. On the other hand, you are an adult, a therapist, and more responsible than you may want to admit. I do not want to disrespect you by coddling you all the time. I hope some part of you realizes that you feel bad because you avoid - not because of the truth you avoid - simply because you avoid. That is the truth.
You say you believe in God, well God knows this is the truth.
The therapist in you knows it too.
Avoiding is a habit you've gotten so accustomed to, you avoid seeing how it undermines you.
I just want to live long enough for you to realize this and get past the fears and open yourself honestly to Brandi so you can have the loving relationship your hearts deserves. It is such a wonderfully beautiful heart you hide inside. Hiding lets you be misunderstood and then you feel bad. Please stop. :)
Wandering into my mind a bit... this is what happens...
I know you want to believe people can be good and kind
I know you don't want anyone to ever hurt or be upset
You express your heart in all you do, so I hope you don't mind
I miss seeing what you do
since you seldom use your words
without sharing what you do
I just have to hang on the memories
so I ask now and then,
just to be reassured
that it wasn't all in my mind
cuz after all I've been through in this life
I have my doubts people...
is human kind really kind?
That is how I express my doubts, but I don't give into my doubts. Just like I don't give into my fears.
So anyway (pretending like I didn't just ask another deeply emo question in a desperately cavalier "song" (that's my way) attempt to find some acknowledgment of hope, reassurance, my self-worth, and maybe even my very existence outside of my head), I opened the window in my bedroom so I will have fresh air. Cold, but fresh. Stupid situation I've gotten myself into, but at least I have a way out and I should live through the night. Trying to laugh it off.
I really do need some sleep. I have a lot of driving tomorrow and falling asleep at the wheel would not be a very good safety example for a safety officer. That's my humor, sue me (strange tongue-sticking-out bug-eyed smiley face, ya know?) Yes, I opened the window because, I mean, can you imagine the headline county safety officer dies from carbon monoxide from an indoor propane heater.
It's a joke.
lol
Yeah, so why am I not sleeping?
Oh hush.
My head hurts.
.
.
.
.
eventually I slept an hour and the next night, I inserted this here...
"INSERTED (tonight, when I pressed send)
I fell asleep as you were texting from the Vet, sorry...
I tried going to bed early and hoped to sleep through the night and wake up in the morning but waking around midnight and finding the propane heater burning with an open flame on the wooden floor in the middle of the paper-filled extremely messy living room and the roommate fast asleep in his bedroom will likely keep me awake the rest of the night.
I'll head to work early and try to nap there, or in the car, but anyway...
I wrote most of this last week and told you about it. Then I added to it so it's a couple of different days above and below... it is only a waste of time if you do not read.
I sent a message in Words With Friends tonight about the propane heater and realized I don't think I told you about it because I didn't send this because you don't like reality when it's challenging, but life is real and challenging and hiding just makes the challenges much worse, so here it is... all that babbling will likely make the profound impact less impact-full as you likely wish.
I wrote this last week and told you about it, but as you know, I didn't send it. Then I added to it so it's a couple of different days below... as I've said many times, it is only a waste of time if you do not read. I sent a text tonight about the propane heater and realized I don't think I told you about it because I didn't send this because you don't like reality when it's challenging, but life is real and challenging and hiding just makes the challenges much worse, so here it is... all that will likely make the profound impact less impactful as you likely wish.
"END INSERT"
So stop stressing and embrace reality and learn to enjoy it (cuz it's best, the best we can do, and we should always do our best to do our best to do the best we can do... so there).
and the next night (last Friday), in much much better spirits, however mixed, cuz I gave $600 (ouch) to the new roommate but he didn't have a key and doesn't really expect me to move in until January cuz the $600 is a deposit for last month's rent but he's cool with my moving stuff in gradually throughout the month but he didn't have keys for me but he said he'd try to get keys over the weekend but he's pretty depressed enough so that he works from im now and then as he did today and hopefully he won't be depressed enough to stop working but I won't be on the lease so it's his financial headache but I doubt he'll sink that far because he has the two kids and he seemed appreciative to talk about it so I may be playing therapist come January and maybe sooner but if he wants to talk and be friends like that I'll ask to spend some nights there in December and he said he'd help me move the big stuff with his truck but he said his truck needs some work but he didn't say it doesn't run so I hope it does and so he may not be another person in need I am adopting but he does have a good profession so he should make good money so I will stay positive and hope for the best.
Did we mention mixed feelings? lol (focus on the positive)
and tomorrow will give $550 (ouch) to the old roommate who is so frugal he ignores the unhealthy and even deadly circumstances he lives in which means I live in those same circumstances for one more month and I hope for no nights when that propane heater is needed (next Wednesday night, probably) and at least the car payments stopped last month but surprise expenses still popped up but I must not stress over money cuz little by little the savings account goes up even is the total worth fluctuates a lot as I raise my living standards and continue helping people and that is who I am so this world will not change me and that is the best feeling in life so even it's going to be a long challenging month and I wish someone was by my side sharing the load but that's not the life I've known (except for about fifteen years mixed in when I did have intimate partner relationships but they turned out to be mostly one way streets in the end and I grew and they didn't and they wouldn't come with me on the journey and I wasn't ready to stop growing) but the bottom line is the best feeling of being me and true to my ideals and beliefs in spite of anything else is still the best feeling.
I wonder, was this really that bad?
:)
For you? (I really do wonder and no answer suggest maybe the answer is yes it was).
Ok, so maybe the propane risk is scary, but if we do not face our fears, we are victims of the mistakes they lead us to. If we do not face our fears, we give them more power and makes them more challenging to overcome. If we do not overcome our fears, we live and die afraid and diminish everything we could do. Fear prevents us from seeing clearly and making the best decisions.
So face your fears or fail.
The question is simple, do you want to fail?
I do not want to fail.
That is a simple choice.
If you hide your fears, you stop being honest with yourself.
If you are not honest with yourself, you are choosing failure.
It really is that simple.
I don't know anyone who truly actualizes this understand, but that doesn't change it's truth.
I keeping hoping there must be some who do.
I want you to, but that is your decision.
If you read this far, maybe you will.
It is your choice.
I hope you did not stop reading before you got here.
I hope you change your choice and start choosing to face the fear (I think you do a little better each year) and share everything completely openly and honestly - ultimately with yourself and Tina.
I am here if you want to test that process with someone other than Tina at first.
If a therapist or someone else will work better for you, find the right one.
It is a simple choice.
Trust.
Face every fear.
Start in the immediate moment.
Expand to anything else that scares you.
List them, one by one.
If you need help, ask.
Don't give up.
love you,
hl,
me
PS... This may not be all fun, but...
we did have fun sometimes, right?
(you could have just answered yes or no way back when this email began... how many unanswered questions do I eventually accept as ignored {remind me to define what ignored means to me one day, because you do care and it does matter a lot) and just think, all the words that followed might never have happened. :P
laugh?
therapy?
healing?
hug?
Narf?
So that's this next except from Letters to E (and me).
Are we having fun yet? :)
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