Pretend We Don't Know Why

You were the last one I chose to trust unconditionally. The last one I let in to the space inside of me. You never ventured deep. We did not share our sleep. Or our dreams or our schemes or whatever that means. Yet until someone else comes along to take your place in my heart. I write to you as if you are here because that is your part. In this live I live. Everything I give. Are our dreams ad our schemes of whatever that means... all the trust without lust because that is the unconditional... or bust.

You may not know that life is pretend. We forget most of the truths we knew as children at play. You may not know that love never ends. The bond of trust is so far beyond lust that it perpetually mends.

All we need to do is trust the truth to come to us in being real and sharing caring unconditionally. That is when we can know the experience of love that is beyond when fear prevents us from seeing... it is so freeing... the purest being... all as one with the energy of the infinite eternity.

So how are you... really?

As if you asked me, I ask myself the same question. I am not sure I will answer completely because I am no longer certain you actually care about me, or even want to. So why should I trust you? So I don't anymore. Is that sad? It is acceptance for me and acceptance i almost devoid of emotion. It is an intellectual understanding of what is as it is. That may be a little sad in and of itself, which inspires a laugh... am I really so complex or does that make sense outside my head?

I write because maybe you'll answer someday. I write because writing is healing for me. I write because life goes on in words, perhaps you've heard, obla-di obla-da? Laughter here, am I being clear? Is there any understanding of me in you at all? I don't want to believe you simply tolerate an hour of me every month or two for your own needs and purposes.

Life is lonely today. Nobody knows how I feel, and I don't mean poor-me as if I am the only living boy in New York (song reference that may or may not be related) or the only one who feels loneliness (can anybody hear the whippoorwills? They are deafening. Hello? Hello? Hello? Is anybody out there? Is anybody in there? Hello? Hello? Bueller?) or left out out the party or just a tool on a shelf to be used whenever needed.

It is the life I live. In many ways, the life I've chosen to create. Lust didn't work for me. It blew up in my face, mostly because I connected it to love and could not resolve putting any limits on love. How do people do it? How does anyone say no to love as if it had an on and off switch or could exist in such and selective conditional way?

For me it was always all or nothing and after giving all and having it all taken, leaving me with nothing but the hope and will to start all over again, I decided somewhat subconsciously to choose nothing. Did you hear? (you would have had you been reading and following the links)... I am nobody.

Laughing at my words at play as play is the best therapy of all. Even when it's all in my mind... and words that only I might understand. Understand rhymes with hand and leads to the Beatles song and I think to myself, it's been so long since someone held my hand...

Sailing off to slumber with a lonely blues playing in my head
Wandering through the vast empty stillness of my bed
Wondering if anyone ever understood a single word I said
I find myself alone at the end of my days
like a book that was never read.

still I write
cuz writing keeps hope alive
and I keep hoping
cuz hope keeps me alive

and I keep breathing
cuz breathing can bring me peace
and I keep dreaming
cu dreaming is my only real release

no one knows what's going on inside
but life is still a roller coaster ride

and the roller coaster ride goes on forever
there's an old song playing in that line
for those who know the words the chords are soothing
for those who are afraid it is divine
and not the holy kind
not if you're afraid
if you're afraid...
  it is not even kind.

You were the last one I chose to trust unconditionally.
The last one I let in to the space inside of me.
You never ventured deep. We did not share our sleep.
Or our dreams or our schemes or whatever that means.

Yet until someone else comes along to take your place in my heart.
I write to you as if you are here because that is your part.
In this live I live. Everything I give.
Are our dreams ad our schemes of whatever that means...

all the trust without lust because that is the unconditional... or bust.

still I write
cuz writing keeps hope alive
and I keep hoping
cuz hope keeps me alive

and I keep breathing
cuz breathing can bring me peace
and I keep dreaming
cu dreaming is my only real release

no one knows what's going on inside
but life is still a roller coaster ride

and the roller coaster ride goes on forever
there's an old song playing in that line
for those who know the words the chords are soothing
for those who are afraid it is irvine
and not the
not if you're afraid
if you're afraid...
    it is not even kind.

You may not know that life is pretend.
We forget most of the truths we knew as children at play.
You may not know that love never ends.
What it you just found out today...
that love is the bond of trust so far beyond lust...
   that it perpetually mends.

All we need to do is trust the truth to come to us in being real and sharing caring unconditionally.
That is when we can know the experience of love that is beyond when fear prevents us from seeing...
it is so freeing...
the purest being...
all as one with the energy of the infinite eternity.

So how are you now? Really?

I miss caring and being cared about. Even if it is all just pretend.

Hug.

hl,
me