Letters To E (and Me)

I just want somebody to love me just the way I am I don't want to change to satisfy someone else's plan I just want somebody to love me is that too much to ask? apparently so, cuz finding someone seems an impossible task I give and I give and I give some more I give all I've got till it hurts I'm used and abused and discarded (oh my) but I just keep buying new shirts I've been on the street, left out in the cold and I live like a refugee taking care of everyone else wondering when someone will see who I am, what I'm worth and fall in love with me I'll take care of you will you take care of me? I just want somebody to love me just the way I am I don't want to lie to anyone for I am an honest man I just want somebody to love me is that an impossible dream? apparently so, cuz finding someone has not happened it seems I see too much I feel too much I give too much I want too much I think too much I play too much I shar...

The smile widens bigger than the face... to be loved is a perfect state of grace. :) Still I wonder if it's sympathy or just pity or could it be truly understanding? This brain of mine is relentless demanding answers evidence that can be seen how can we know we have been if not touched by at least one of our senses and felt and shared and known viscerally honestly openly so... here I am for all to see in cyberspace infinity words for all eternity do you know this is me? writing almost every night even sometimes in daylight even if no one's in sight to read these words I write I reach out to the moon and stars wishing they all could be ours my heart is so much like stars each wishing someone would believe in them enough to wish on them for all the wonder we could share and all beyond... one more time again here I am for all to know written gardens that still grow as real as much as it's a show to entertain and let you know that here I...

I repress so well I don't die of loneliness... but I want to share so much it hurts and I want to love so much it hurts and if I don't repress it I will obsess and drive myself crazy and get so desperate I will settle for anyone for just a little while and then we'd both get hurt. I don't want to hurt anybody so I repress who I am I repress my desire to love and be loved and the most important reason I am alive is ignored... so sad... so sad... so sad it hurts to much so I repress awareness... Is this wasting a life? Repress that question. Repress that thought. Repress that feeling. I wish I could ignore the way you do. It is a blessing. I am cursed. You're not the one I want to fall in love with The one I want is nowhere to be found but you may understand how much it hurts to be alone, to feel unloved, to be alone and believing you understand let's me believe I am not as alone as alone. It's all illusion in my mind I sleep alone every night No ...

so you read me? yes, it is still a question cuz you never mention any of the words I write I see your smilies and emoji appreciation I feel gratification but still wonder if I'm right so I keep asking even though I know that spoils the mood asking diminishes any answer forcing an answer may even be rude but I keep asking cuz when thoughts are just inside my head how can I know they are real when the words are never said no one looks into my eyes and tells me who I am what I am worth to anyone is all in my mind no one looks into my eyes and really gives a damn like I mean something more than fun that would be kind so I keep asking asking for proof I am alive asking fr honesty when they look me in the eyes so I keep asking just a little proof of my worth something that started at birth won't someone realize my insecurity runs so deep it keeps me awake when I sleep dreams no one ever knows I wonder if it shows no one looks into my eyes ...

And when I believe you love me... I think about you every night before I fall asleep some may tell you that isn't right but promises must keep nobody says good night to me it feels like no one cares if I don't wake up in the morning how long will I lay there I wonder things like who will care to cremate me and say goodbye apologies for the subject but someday we all die it doesn't scare me to know this what bother's me, I guess is knowing I may have no one who will clean up the mess I wrote a song long time ago back in the early years when I explored who I am and overcame my fears the links remain to express me to anyone who cares the night is the most lonely time because no one is here the time nobody shares So excuse me for telling you how much I miss the time of nite nite love you BFF is it such a crime? my hope is that you find a smile in knowing that I care and still appreciate you now every time you share So now I lay me down ...

I will always wonder... why are you so afraid of sharing your heart of trusting someone with your secrets and fears if you only knew, that is how to start to overcome, and understand, and become aware of course there is pain in the losses in life death starts the moment we are born with every pleasure comes some struggle and strife there is always some reason to mourn but we choose how we see and feel about everything the pain is proof we are alive that is the joy that can make our hearts sing to live and not merely survive life is a roller coaster ride even if we hide it all inside the full experience is the greatest gift of all to those who open themselves wide so why are you so afraid of sharing yourself is it because you fear pain? I wish you could see past the books on your shelf the true knowledge is in your brain past the fear, you are there, so aware, learn to share the secret it knowing you can always start again this amazing journey called life is a so...

The previous email is so very important to me, and so were some other previous emails, in case it matters :) Meanwhile, I miss you tonight, so I came to write this... I miss you tonight so I came to write this song for you You were my best friend and that doesn't end in a heart that's true Now the little time I put in this rhyme may reflect the way things are but still you live on in my heart you are never gone no matter how far you are I miss just watching TV with you silently I miss sharing an evening meal I miss helping each other process our days and understanding the way we feel I miss sharing softball and tennis and more and cheering our teams, no matter the score I miss checking in just to know we were alright I miss just saying good morning and good night love you - that felt so right saying nite nite, love you made everything alright I miss knowing you always cared and you were always there if I needed anything I miss everything we sh...

I never really knew what you wanted from me other than help staying afloat financially, but I wanted to believe in the "BFF" term you kept using to describe me and I wanted to believe you wanted me to be in your life in some way. Maybe it's the way you are with friends and family. Maybe I am deluding myself to think you want a big brother and he might be me. It's not sadness I am trying to express. It is uncertainty. I am who I am and will always be here for anyone I've ever loved and adopted in any way. I adopted you as my sister and I just don't know if that is too presumptuous or if you even want that. I hope that makes sense and you understand. I am not asking for anything more than clarity about what you want from me and who I am to you. Maybe I'm your parachute packed away in the back of your mind and life just in case you ever need a place to land. Maybe even that is not accurate. So anyway, all this wondering comes about because the body is...