Letters To E (and Me)

Lately I've been doing a whole lot of whining about me, stressing over $, and feeling blah blah blah. I am not sure this one should be sent, or uploaded, which is sad enough to inspire a laugh. Anyway, here it is, even if it is never seen, even if it never sees a response. Heard from old friend, best friend in high school, he's retired and in Palm Beach now. Heard from pen pal from India, only exchanged a few emails, he or she praises me a lot. Emailed a woman in Longwood about a room. Still would be a room in someone else's home, but would be my own bath, hopefully with a better sharer, and above all else, cleaner. Hopeful, if she responds. $600 a month with a $600 deposit, $50 more a month than I pay here. Looks like a decent house in a better neighborhood, though I'm not positive. More reason to stop spending $, especially until the car is fully paid off. Then I am going to think about buying a house if I can find one in a decent area for $150,000. Tina is righ...

I don't sit down to write as much as I used to and I definitely don't tell you much of what is going on i my life cuz that seems to drive us apart and I don't want that, but I did want to share the hematologist appointment today went well and he doesn't want to see me for another 6 months which is a good thing. I must call my other docs to make appts for other stuff - just need to make time to look up the telephone numbers. Anyway, there is so much unsaid between us, so much more than you know, but I stopped here to poop shower and change before I head to work and just wanted to say hi and give you good news cuz I know you care and I want you to know I appreciate you. :)

Really? Are you saving? Credit all paid off? It is challenging to say yes. It is probably stupid to say no because both of us would benefit way beyond financially. It could relieve a lot of the unspoken discomfort between us that I so want to not be there. The moments we never discussed or resolved that linger and bite us on the ass sometimes when we least expect it or at the very least, push me away and stretch out the silences. Understand? I am torn between iphone and android. I have all these iphone cables. Other cables are buried in storage and I don't have time to go there to search. On the other hand, everything I am reading says Android is better. I'm not ready to make to make a decision. I need Natasha to get a job. I need time. I need to lose weight. I need sleep. I will think about it. There are no words to say thank you enough. I've been picking myself up my entire life, from birth, all by myself. It is what I am used to. I'm just tire...

I have no walls. That is why I feel so alone. I feel the empty space of nobody coming near and experiencing life from my core to my extremities alone. It is a wonderful experience to be so open so free so aware so alive. If I did not want to share there would be no loneliness. Pity, sometimes, that I want to share so much :) If only someone would understand... . . . I smile as wide as the universe for everything, for everyone, for myself and for you because you care. thank you for caring it means so much to me you mean so much to me cuz you care.