Maybe I'm Wrong

Maybe you agree, maybe you don't
Maybe you'll write, maybe you won't
I just keep guessing how you may react
only you can say what is fact

Maybe what I write makes no sense to you
maybe you do not believe it is true
maybe you disagree and just don't say
I can only guess. what's in your head today

Sometimes I think that I make a lot of sense
that I give good advice, but maybe I'm dense
maybe I'm wrong to keep sharing with you
sometimes I wonder why I do

I want you to know me, to want me to care
I want to be someone you respect, maybe revere
I want to be someone you think can be wise
I want to know who I am in your eyes

because you've known me for many years
sharing the same space through laughter and tears
we see the good, bad, and ugly in each other
I call you sister, do you call me brother?

did we waste our time sharing all we shared?
I don't want to believe you never really cared
but your silence leaves me wondering what is true
after all these years, who am I to you?

sometimes I think I should stop writing to you
sometimes I think my words have value to you
sometimes I just don't know what is true
but please believe this next line is most true
every word is meant to help you
as I try to save the world... cuz it's what I do

maybe there are just too many words
maybe commitment is just scares you away
maybe there's more value to you than I know
more than you'll ever show
so I stay rather than go
committed to being a friend to you
as I try to save the world... cuz it's what I do

So whatsup tonight my timid silent friend? Did you know I've been writing daily blogs to the internet for many years and continue in spite f rarely getting any sort of response? I know there are a few readers out there, but responses are few and far between, getting fewer as the years pass, and I just keep on writing in my unrelenting belief that there is some value in the words and continuing to write and put the words out there is the right thing to do. These letters to you are very much in the same vein in that I am getting used to no response, I just wonder whether there is any value for you... and what that value may be.

The last one, for instance, which I shall call when you no longer hide . . . I felt good as I wrote that. I felt like it was worth sharing, good advice for anyone. I wonder sometimes if I am just looking for praise, bt while ego loves a good pat on the head (my Twitter account says feel free to idolize me in your spare time after all lol lam), my intellect so wants to know if the words made sense and had value outside of my head, most especially when the words had much value and made much sense inside my head and in reading them back. My respect for you makes your opinion more valuable than most, which is why I share words with you.

The rhyme in this letter could have been written to hundreds of people I've known in this life, especially those close, but also to the silent readers of my blog whom I never met. I am way too used to the silence, but that does not diminish the value of any response no matter how simple or brief. Even your smiley faces and emoji are better than silence, but they do not answer the question - agree, disagree, value, how much, why, or whatever.

Does this make any sense to you at all? :)

I am such a hopeful child, aye? :)

So anyway, I ought to get some sleep now as even though my game is not until after noon, I still will feel and do better if I get more than a few hours sleep (I perform so much better with eight hours or more). My hope is that my words inspire your smile, especially when they are not begging for a response from you. Please try to realize it's not just you I want a response from. It's many with whom I have lost touch and many who know me today, but simply stay on the surface and ignore the depths. Please do not feel pressured, just try to understand me. I think you do more than I know. I just wish I knew more :)

I wish you would have known me when I was younger than I am today
before I was crushed by betray and let my fears get in my way
I wish you could have met me when I was still innocent and free
when I still believed in the goodness inherent in humanity
I wish you could have known me when when my confidence was high
before I gave up my dreams and ideals just so I could get by
I wish you would have known me when I was actualized
I think you might still be surprised
to see the bounce in my step and the magic in my eyes

I could walk into a room and watch every eye turn to see
the presence I could bring in invisible energy
some might call it an aura but all I know is it was real
a conscious awareness that everyone could feel
there was no denying the appeal
believe it or not... I was once seen as a pretty big deal

but break after break in the faith I would give
tore away at my confidence
time after time my trust was betrayed
I could no longer deny the evidence
my judgment came into question in my own mind
when you stop trusting yourself, peace is not easy to find

still somewhere deep inside where my innocence hides
the hope and faith and trust still rises every time I fall
whether it is foolish, naive or insane
I still open myself to love and listen for it's call
no matter how many times I drop the ball
I still dare to give it my all
all or nothing
so I still risk it all

I wish you could have seen me before age took it's toll
before the light in my eyes grew gray and dim
I wish you could have known me when I could hear people say
who is that guy, wow, look at him
I wish you could have known the admiration I'd inspire
the respect and reverence that was bestowed on me
I wish you could have known me when I soared so much higher
when everyone seems to want to know me
when I was actualized
I think you might still be surprised
if you look close you might see my sun rise
with a bounce in my step and magic in my eyes
If I believe it's still in there, maybe someone else will believe too :)

Nite nite love you :)

hl,
me